Feather Buster
by Tomas the Betrayer
Summary: The Hidden Chambers of Odin contain threats that would make a god tremble. Still, somebody has to clean up all the raven droppings, right?


A hand emerged over the lip of a deep black pit, and with frantic energy the Custodian of Asgard scrambled up and flung himself thankfully down on solid ground.

Gasping at his near-death experience, he peered over one shoulder at what one could only assume was a bottomless void. The gap wasn't very far across. Lobbing his gear over from the other side had been a simple enough affair. But when it came to making the leap himself, he had severely miscalculated the distance.

_More like miscalculated how far I could jump. Why would anybody design a building with a pit in the floor?! It makes no sense!_

After a few moments to calm his frazzled nerves, the Custodian stood, collected the tools of his trade and marched into the inner sanctum of the Hidden Chamber of Odin.

The mortal man peered nervously about. As per his designated role, it fell to him to keep any spots in Midgard sacred to the Aesir gods clean and neat. This task had been bestowed upon him _(or dumped in my lap, depending on how you look at it) _at the command of the Allfather himself. At least, that was what the Raven Keeper of Odin had declared when he sought out the dumbstruck mortal to inform him of his good fortune. It was certainly nice to be appreciated for a job well done. Not every person received that sort of recognition. And up to this point the Custodian had taken a measure of pride in tidying up whatever shrines, temples and worship glades might benefit from his efforts.

But this job…

He entered the round central room with cautious, fearful steps. It was open to the sky, with a huge gnarled tree growing in from outside its walls. The Custodian glanced all around. There was something about this place. It felt… menacing, perhaps was the best word. Ever since he first set foot inside after being let in by the Raven Keeper, he had felt as if something was crawling up his spine. The slightest sound made him jump. Every shadow seemed as though it was reaching forth to swallow him whole.

_This room wasn't meant for mortal eyes. I shouldn't even be here! Why did I ever agree to do this in the first place?!_

'_It's a storage room. Just go in, sweep up a little, make sure everything's in order.' _The Raven Keeper had been light on the details concerning what this job actually involved. It hadn't escaped his notice that the guy didn't make any effort to join him inside the tomb _(and it really is starting to feel like one)_. Could there be something in here? Some dangerous monster, like a Troll or an Ogre? What kind of dread rituals had gone on inside this place? And why wouldn't he tell me beforehand? _Storage, _my ass!

At that point something roosting overhead took this opportunity to crap on his head.

The Custodian stiffened. Reaching up, he came down with what turned out to be bird droppings. An angry glare upwards confirmed one of Odin's ravens perched in the branches of the tree. It uttered that unearthly keening croak which always let you know when one was around. The feathered snoop regarded him for a bit before flapping from limb to limb.

_Whose bright idea was it to make those things glowing green? You'd think they might want their spies to stand out a little less! _

With a distasteful frown the Custodian noticed other signs of the bird's presence strewn about the floor along with a patchwork carpet of dead leaves. Muttering certain colorful imprecations concerning the Raven Keeper and what he could do with his precious pets, the dutiful servant retrieved a dustpan and crouched to begin sweeping up refuse.

As he did, the sight of something across the way made him freeze.

There looked to be a sort of statue situated at the far end of the room. It almost resembled a man-sized figure wrapped in two huge wings. But as crazy as it sounded, he knew with absolute certainty this thing was alive. The Custodian felt a chill settle over him. Heart thudding, mouth dry, he watched in breathless anticipation.

_If you know what's good for you, now would be the time to run._

Despite his very real misgivings, that foreboding form offered no further cause for alarm. Whether alive or not, it simply stood there. And after about a minute he resumed his duties, all the while keeping a wary eye upon this chamber's strange occupant.

Sweeping leaves in preparation to start washing the floor, the Custodian was momentarily absorbed in his work when a noise made him glance up in time to see feathers rustle.

He went still.

_Okay, that's it. I'm outta here._

Before he could make good on that decision, the wings spread with a mechanical click. To his great amazement the figure beneath proved to be a woman. Wearing a masked helm. With wings.

_Oh, hey, I know what that is! It's a Valkyr-ohmyGOD!_

"PREPARE FOR BATTLE!"

Next thing he knew the warrior maiden was speeding towards him with scythe raised to kill! As his deathblow fell, the Custodian heard a voice scream, "I DON'T WANT TO!"

The sickle halted a hair's breadth from decapitating him.

He stood stock still, staring into those empty eye holes. The Custodian could make out nothing about the face beneath the mask. Yet when she spoke next, there was a definite sense of annoyance flavoring her words. "I beg your pardon?"

"I'm… not here to fight!" the panicked mortal yelped, bulging eyes darting from the Valkyrie's masked face to the weapon poised to take his head off. "I only wanted to clean!" He indicated with a quick twitch of his head downwards. Following this gesture, the Valkyrie took note of a selection of scrub brushes, oils and rags in buckets, along with assorted brooms, clippers and pans. She then slowly turned her empty black eyes upon him again.

"You did not come here to do battle?"

"No, ma'am!"

One gauntleted finger tapped lightly on the scythe's handle. Then she said…

"Are you certain?"

He gave an emphatic nod.

"Because you know, dying in battle with a Valkyrie would virtually guarantee your entry to Valhalla. I would offer to escort you there myself afterwards, but I am… temporarily grounded. One of my sisters can do the honors, though." The Valkyrie removed her weapon from his throat (_much to his relief) _and settled the pommel against the stone floor, placing a hand on her hip as she did. This pose actually made her look quite beautiful, all smoky gray skin and flashing otherworldly armor.

_Woah there, son. Let's not go getting crazy. She nearly took your head off._

"So, then. Shall we begin? Everlasting glory and honor await you, and the skalds shall forever sing of your valiant final stand!"

"You know, I'd really rather just… y'know… clean." The Custodian fidgeted uncomfortably.

By her posture it was clear this offer had never been met with such flat-out refusal. The Valkyrie regarded him in unreadable silence.

At last she gave a dissatisfied, "Hmph!", folded the scythe back behind her wings where it disappeared without a trace, and crossed her arms. "Proceed, then."

Feeling thrilled to still be alive, the grateful servant of the gods bent to collect his tools with somewhat unsteady hands. He went back to sweeping, every now and then chancing a quick glance to make certain the Valkyrie hadn't made any moves. Her helmet turned to keep him in sight, but other than this no further action came on the war goddess' part. So the Custodian squared his shoulders and got down to business.

As it turned out, the place was a real mess. It didn't appear as if anyone had been by to clean in years, maybe decades! He felt a mild sense of satisfaction at using the bottomless pit back there as a receptacle for all the leaves and bird poop (_Try and swallow me, eh? Well, choke on this!) _Scrubbing the flagstones went by quickly. During this, however, he found himself approaching the Valkyrie's position again. The two of them looked at one another.

"Do you wish to battle now?" she inquired politely.

_Lemme think about tha-NO._

"No… thank you."

He resumed scrubbing at a fevered pace.

While up in the tree clipping away unhealthy-looking limbs, the Custodian let out a startled gasp when that statuesque mask rose abruptly before him. "What about now?"

"I… No!"

This earned him a frustrated growl, and the Valkyrie sank almost petulantly back to the stones.

The chamber's belligerent occupant stayed to herself after that. The rest of his time was spent polishing and doing light maintenance. At one point he took note of her lying down on the freshly scrubbed floor with wings spread lazily to either side as she toyed with a beetle that had made its way into the room. Despite her aggressiveness, the Custodian again couldn't help but be struck by how frankly appealing this creature proved to be. 'Divine' certainly went a way towards describing her, but it fell short in terms of just how… well, _sexy _she really was. I wonder what she looks like under that helmet?

_Like your mother. Now back to work before you get yourself killed!_

The Valkyrie noticed him watching her and immediately perked up. Before she could yet again ask to give battle he quickly looked away. She subsided in a charmingly pouty manner.

He was oiling the hinges on the room's pair of double doors when the Valkyrie flopped against the wall nearby and heaved a sigh. "I wish someone would battle me," she said.

"Mm-hmm." The Custodian kept watch on her out of the corner of one eye while applying the bear-grease.

"People used to want to battle me, you know," the demi-goddess said in a conversational tone. She gave a lighthearted chuckle then. "Oh, back in the day, when we were young, I was all about battle. You'd couldn't pry me away from it. It was all so exciting! So intense!" She turned her frozen yet lovely face to regard him. "I'm… almost ashamed to admit it, but… there's absolutely nothing that I love more than… _battle!"_

"You don't say." This was getting just a wee bit disturbing.

"I do." The Valkyrie rested her hands against the wall and slid slowly down until she was sitting beside him, metal wings spread out along the ground. Some of the feathers touched his knee, making him shiver at the feel. They were almost warm, come to think of it. "The way sweat would gleam on firm muscled skin! The sound of cries and moans that sent a shiver up your spine! Striving with one another, seeing who would come out on top! Bodies slamming together! The peak, the climax, the ecstasy! I _loved it!"_

She passed a finger languidly over those motionless lips as though tasting something. "I love… _battle."_

To his surprise, the Custodian realized he had stopped working a while back and now sat staring at her as though spellbound. That was… quite the description. Never thought about battle like that before.

The Valkyrie's helm drooped. "That's why I was so disappointed to learn you weren't interested in battling me. No one else ever refused. And I… was really looking forward to it." She laced her fingers together and stretched her arms high overhead, giving a satisfied groan as she did. "Battle always made me feel _so_ _good!"_

"I'll bet," he breathed, absorbed in the sight of her. The way she spoke and looked right now… he had never seen anything like it. Well, to be honest, he had, but that was under entirely different circumstances. I mean, the way she talks about battle, I could almost believe she really means…

Hey.

_Hold on. What are you doing?_

She looked at him. "Have _you_ ever battled someone before?"

"Oh, well… y'know." The Custodian ducked his head in embarrassment, at what he was no longer quite certain of.

"You certainly look like you could hold your own." There was a playful quality to her voice that made his face flush. "I'll bet nobody had any complaints after you were done with them." Her tone dropped an octave. "I certainly wouldn't."

Alright, now I just _have_ to know. No harm in asking. Just to clear things up.

"Say…"

_NO! Don't join in! This chick is bonkers! Just finish up and GO! HOME!_

He gave a cough. "Er… not to intrude, but… when you say 'battle', do you mean… something else?"

The Valkyrie giggled. "You're so funny!"

She then reached out and laid a tender hand on his sleeve.

The frazzled mortal gazed at it, registering the feel of her perfect form so tantalizingly close to his own. I don't believe it! Could this really be happening?

_Only if you let it! So DON'T LET IT!_

I might not be the sharpest guy out there, but even I can tell what's going on here.

_SHE'S! GOING! TO! _KILL!_ YOU!_

Call me crazy…

_You're crazy. You are completely, certifiably, 100%..._

…but I think she might really be into me!

Now at this point, the little voice in his head that had been trying to keep him alive flung up its arms in a gesture of pained disbelief, turned around and stalked off to a cozy little corner of his mind where it could sit in a nice comfortable chair and read a good book while time permitted. Because it was obvious where things were going from here.

Unaware of this inner occurrence, the Custodian mustered his courage and turned his eyes on the Valkyrie. "My lady…"

"Yes?" she whispered softly back. Her hand never left his arm.

"If you don't mind… or rather, if you're willing to overlook my earlier… that is to say… what I want to tell you is that…"

"You know," the Valkyrie purred, "for the right man, I'd even be willing to _battle _one of my sisters."

The Custodian's brain nearly shut down at the implications. "R-really?" he whispered. _"Two _of you?"

"Oh, yes."

He took a deep breath. This is it. Don't hold back! You'll never get another chance! You might strike out, but the only thing worse is not trying at all! It's the chances you don't take that really haunt you!

The little voice in his head looked up from reading at this point. _Ironic, considering your ghost will probably wind up haunting this joint. _It then licked an abstract mental image of a finger and turned back to its book.

"My lady, I would like… very much… to battle you!"

The Valkyrie drew in a delighted gasp. "Really?!"

"Yes!"

_Pfft! _This time the little voice didn't even bother to look up. It already knew how this story ended anyway.

"Well, then." She started to lean in closer. "If that's what you want…"

"I do." He reciprocated. Their lips, both flesh and metal, drew ever nearer. The Custodian felt a wild, reckless joy bubbling in his chest and limbs the likes of which he hadn't felt since he first grasped a broom and…

"…let's begin."

His head slammed against the polished flagstones as a metal-shod boot pressed down on his throat.

"UNWORTHY!" the Valkyrie bellowed.

"Oh, baby, _yeah!" _he gasped from flat on his back. "Tell me how _worthless_ I am and…!"

CRUNCH!

The Custodian looked blankly around. Huh? How did I get up here? Weren't we down on the floor? Yeah, I'm positive, we were just starting to get frisky when all of a sudden…

Goodness. That's quite a mess. Someone really should clean it up. It almost looks as though…

Oh.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no! NO! That's not… is that my…? And over there, that looks like my… and those were _definitely_ my…!

'_What happened?' _the Custodian's Ghost gasped.

"Oh, you're still here?"

Spectral senses then took note of the Valkyrie. She was standing before what looked to be a full-length mirror that had appeared out of nowhere in the center of the room. The femme fatale turned from side to side examining her stately form from every angle.

'_Ah… excuse me?'_

"What?" She didn't so much as glance in his direction.

'_Can you explain why I'm currently smeared all over the floor, and in some cases up in the tree?'_

"What do you expect?" she threw over her shoulder. "These things get messy."

'_Wait, you mean I'm dead?'_

The Valkyrie must have felt no need to confirm that assessment. She examined her wings and flicked minute drops of blood and flesh off with small exclamations of distaste.

Meanwhile, the Custodian's Ghost felt he was starting to get a good grasp of the situation.

I'm dead. She killed me. I thought we were going to… but then she… and now I'm…

Killed in battle.

'_Hey!' _he exclaimed as a potential silver lining opened itself up to him. _'I just died in battle! That means… I'm going to VALHALLA!' _He did a spectral leap and pumped his phantom fist in the air. _'All RIGHT! This is AWESOME! Everybody at home always said I'd be the last man on Midgard to get in, and look at me now! I am an EINHERJAR! Endless feasting, frolicking and fornicating await! Look out, Asgard, here I come!'_

A mild snort interrupted his celebrations. "Uh, think again, buddy."

He turned his attention back to the Valkyrie, who was applying something red on the lips of her mask as she looked in the mirror. _'What do you mean?'_

"Only those who fall in battle can go to Valhalla. At best you're bound for Helheim. Don't let the door hit you in the Ass-gard on your way out." She chuckled at the jest before returning to examining her reflection.

'_But I did! I just died in battle! YOU killed me!'_

"You call that a battle?" She threw him a scornful look. "Please. I've had sneezes that lasted longer."

The Custodian's Ghost could only stare flabbergasted. _'Why, you… you dirty conniving little…!'_

"Say hi to Garm the Hel-Hound for me, will you?" She dabbed a little more gore on her gleaming lips. "He'll chew on you for a bit, but just let him get it out of his system, and he'll be fresh as a puppy afterwards." The Valkyrie flicked a negligent hand in parting. "By-e-e-e!"

Too shocked to even contemplate his own impending damnation, the Custodian's Ghost simply faded away with a final pitiful whimper.

The Valkyrie finished her cosmetic improvements. Satisfied at her new look, she waved the Vanir Mirror back to its hidden dimension and glanced around the room with a critical air.

"What a mess," she sighed. "They really should send someone down to clean up."

After this she wrapped herself once more in her wings and waited for the next unworthy challenger to arrive.

_**FIN.**_


End file.
